Conflict is a natural part of life, especially when you’re living as a non-standard human in a world that often demands conformity. How we manage these moments of tension can shape not only our personal growth but also the strength of our communities. Here’s a guide to navigating conflict with grace, understanding, and empowerment.

1. Recognize Conflict as a Natural Part of Being Non-Standard

Conflict is not something to fear; it’s a sign of diversity in thought and experience. As non-standard humans, we bring unique perspectives that may challenge the status quo. That’s not just okay—it’s necessary.

1. Understand that an adversary (someone who seems opposed to you) isn’t necessarily an enemy. They might just be another person on a different path, with their own experiences and perspectives.

2. Not every conflict is a battle that needs to be fought. Sometimes, it’s a misunderstanding or a difference in approach. Take a moment to consider if the conflict is truly serious or if it’s a moment that can pass with time and understanding.

3. Choose your battles wisely: Engage when it’s about something fundamental to your well-being or core values. Remember, your safety and dignity are non-negotiable. You have the right to exist as you are—beautifully non-standard. If a conflict threatens that right, it’s worth addressing.

4. Reflect on whether the issue is a priority or a matter of principle. Not all principles are life-or-death. Some are guidelines to help us navigate life more smoothly. You have the right to hold onto your principles, but it’s equally important to remain open to the principles of others. This balance can create space for growth and mutual respect.

2. Understand That Loss is Not Defeat

It’s okay to want to “win,” but consider what winning truly means in the context of being non-standard. Winning doesn’t always mean getting your way. It can mean reaching a deeper understanding, fostering empathy, or building stronger connections. Sometimes, the best “win” is finding a peaceful resolution where everyone feels valued and heard.

3. Aim for Synthesis, Not Division

The goal of conflict should be to create a new understanding, not to deepen divides.

Think of conflict as a chance for synthesis (blending different ideas to form something new and valuable). This is where true innovation happens. The best outcome is one where nobody feels like they’ve lost, and everyone gains a new perspective or insight.

Ask yourself, “What’s the best possible outcome for everyone involved?”

• How can this conflict help you grow?

• How can this conflict help the other person grow?

• How can this conflict help both of you come together in a new understanding?

Use the least force necessary to restore balance. Gentle actions and kind words often lead to more constructive outcomes than aggression. Be like water—adaptable and resilient. Water shapes itself to its container but can also carve through rock over time.

4. Evaluate the Situation Before You Act

Before diving into a conflict, take a moment to assess the situation:

1. Time: Is now the right time to address this?

2. Place: Is this the appropriate setting for this conversation?

3. Relevance: Is this conflict relevant to your current goals or needs?

4. Resources: Do you have what you need to engage in this conflict constructively?

   1. Physical & Material: Are you in a safe and comfortable environment?

   2. Emotional: Are you in the right emotional state to handle this?

   3. Mental: Are you mentally prepared to engage thoughtfully?

   4. Priority: Is this the most pressing issue for you right now?

   5. Guiding Principles: Does engaging in this conflict align with your values?

5. Approach Conflict Fairly and Mindfully

Unfair tactics only escalate conflicts and make resolution more challenging.

• Avoid generalizations, exaggerations, and false assumptions. These tactics make it harder for everyone to understand the real issue and find a resolution.

• Focus on the actual issue, not on attacking or defending. This will help keep the conversation constructive and focused on finding a solution.

• Avoid turning adversaries into enemies. Conflict is natural, but turning someone into an “enemy” makes it harder to find common ground.

• Recognize that someone who feels they have nothing to lose may fight harder. If the conflict isn’t worth the potential damage, reconsider whether it’s worth engaging.

6. Explore Your Conflict Options

There are many ways to handle conflict—find the approach that aligns with your values and the situation.

• Doing Nothing: Sometimes, letting things be is the best option.

• Responding Constructively: If you need to engage, do so with the aim of finding a resolution, not just defending your position.

• Deception: This should only be a last resort and used carefully to avoid greater harm.

• Withdrawal: Sometimes stepping back gives you the space to see the bigger picture.

• Open Dialogue: Engage in conversation with a willingness to listen and understand.

• Aiki: A Practice of Harmonizing with Others

  1. Acceptance: Start by accepting the situation as it is. Recognize the reality of the conflict without immediately trying to change or resist it.

  2. Finding Common Ground: Instead of opposing or fighting against others, try to understand where they are coming from. Look for ways to connect or find common ground with those involved.

  3. Turning Negatives into Positives: Take any negative feelings or tension from the conflict and try to transform them into something constructive. This could mean finding a compromise, offering a new perspective, or turning an argument into a productive discussion.

  4. Leading with Respect: Set an example by handling conflicts with kindness and respect. Show others that it’s possible to disagree without being aggressive, and that understanding and empathy can lead to better resolutions.

7. Aim for Harmony, Stability, and Growth

The ultimate goal in any conflict is to find a path forward that promotes growth, stability, and mutual respect.

Focus on the goal of resolution:

• Don’t get caught up in the conflict itself. Remember, the point is to grow and learn, not to “win.”

• Focus on understanding your own needs and the needs of others. This is where true growth and resolution occur.

Conflict, when approached with an open heart and a clear mind, can be a powerful tool for growth and understanding. Let’s strive to navigate our differences with empathy, celebrate our unique perspectives, and create a world where every voice is valued.

With loving attribution to my friend, Thomas Diener, who originally wrote about this topic on his blog back in 2009. It came up in conversation and got me to thinking that this would be a good topic to cover here as well.

Navigating Conflict: A Guide for Non-Standard Humans

By Tabby Worthington

September 1, 2024

4 minute read